RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
for Mothers & Adult Daughters
Peace in the family, Peace in the World.
When leaving the hospital with my newborn daughter 16 some years ago and while ushering us into the elevator, the discharge nurse asked me what I did for a job. You know, the kind that pays you money and includes things like vacation time and healthcare - so, not mothering. Anyway, I told her I had just graduated from a masters program in marriage and family therapy and was planning to launch my practice in the next year. She looked at me with the warmest smile and said: “you know, peace in the family, peace in the world”.
I wish I would have made a note of her name (turns out birthing another human being makes you a little less aware of those finer details) but I’ll always remember her words. And at the risk of sounding hyperbolic here, I really do believe them; when our families are well connected and have strong and healthy bonds, the rest of our society benefits - immensely.
And that bond between mothers and daughters is an incredibly strong and intimate one. This relationship spans most of our life and impacts all of our other relationships. This is one reason why ruptures to this relationship can feel so devastating. I believe this relationship is worth saving, which is why I specialize in helping mothers and adult daughters repair and renew this all important connection.
Exploring Relationship Roots
It's completely normal for mothers and daughters to experience stretches of mild tension or the occasional heated argument, it would almost be odd if you didn't. However, if you both feel unsettled or anxious when you're together, or neither of you feel heard or understood - deeper issues may have taken root.
Family History and Generational Patterns of Trauma
Dysfunctional family attitudes, behaviors, and trauma are a lot like genetics - they are often passed down through generations. These experiences can significantly damage a mother daughter relationship because they’re familiar (i.e. we’re less likely to notice them and usually go unchecked for generations. If you experienced neglect or harsh criticism as a child - you may inadvertently repeat this behavior with your daughter.
Who We Are & What We Want
A daughter who values independence might clash with her mother who holds traditional views on life. Major life events like divorce, death of loved ones, or personal trauma can add layers of grief and resentment that make these differences hard to ignore. This can lead to family events feeling combative or stressful.
Communication and Unmet Expectations
How we speak to one another matters; our tone, word choice, and timing of conversations matter. In a strained mother-daughter dynamic, differences in communication styles and unmet expectations can lead to misinterpretation and conflict. One may be open and direct, but is interpreted as harsh, while the other may be more subtle or nuanced but be interpreted as wishy-washy. While not uncommon, this dynamic leaves both feeling misunderstood, frustrated, and confused.
As an adult daughter, you may also find that your once “dealt with” family of origin issues are popping up again. Are you:
Arguing with parents or family?
Avoiding family gatherings and starting to dread the holidays?
Letting your mom’s calls go to voicemail?
Feeling like you have to either shut up or risk ruining relationships by speaking up for yourself or your kids?
“Always remember, there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name.”
—The Avett Brothers
As a mother to an adult daughter, you may be wondering what happened to the once close relationship you had. Are you feeling:
Anxious, like you have to walk on eggshells around your children?
Dismissed and disregarded in either your attempts to help or your own life experiences?
A deep sense of loss for the relationship you thought you would have with your adult children?
Confused about how and where things went wrong?
Overwhelming guilt, anger or resentment about the current state of your relationhips with your adult children?